What I Miss By Living in South Dakota

I've never considered myself much of a food person. In truth, I've always had a very dysfunctional relationship with food. I guess it is the result of the way I was raised. My older sister (four years my senior) had a weight problem pretty much since birth so the poor girl had to be on some sort of diet her entire life. I remember being envious of her scales (Weight Watchers) and her specially preparted meals (whatever fad diet was hot at the time). I wished I was different, like her. The net result is that we never had "junk" food in our house. Not ever. Nup. I was comforted by bland foods, never taking much joy or pleasure in eating.

As I got older I watched my sister become increasingly unhappy with her weight and then consoling herself by cooking huge pots of fudge and eating it all in one sitting (while convincing me it was poo and not letting me have any). The cycle continued. In my house overeating was a crime worthy of verbal abuse. I sat mum.

Then my parents split and my mom took me to my aunts house to live. There I had my very first Dorito. I was so thrilled I ate almost an entire bag. I was sick to my stomach and developed a silver dollar sized burn on the center of my tongue. I couldn't talk for close to a week, it stung just to move it. After that I had a lot more respect for my tongue, never having fully realized its power.

This leads me to Pad Thai. They don't have any, not one, eating establishment that offers Pad Thai, or any Thai for that matter. WTF? The food here in the mighty plains is probably hands-down, no-holds-barred (what does that even mean?) the worst I've ever experienced. I have made it my personal mission to try to eat at all the restaurants in Sioux Falls and have come pretty close. My personal favorite, of course, is the all-you-can-eat troughs. A couple weekends back I went to one exactly as they opened (which on Saturday they open at 11 at Pizza Ranch) and there were people waiting. Waiting to strap on their bibs and gorge themselves. I had a salad and a plain baked potato. What a waste.

Another thing I detest (even when I wasn't a vegetarian, all those years ago, I shared this same contempt) is pork. Not only does the name remind me of skeezy dirt-lipped guys describing their sexual escapades with their keg-swilling buddies, but also leave poor Wilber alone already. Hasn't he been through enough? Geez. They put bacon in EVERYTHING. Here is a list of things I've unhappily discovered laced with bacon bits:

1) potato salad
2) tomato soup
3) wild rice soup
4) cream of broc. soup
5) mashed potatos (come on)
6) mac and cheese
7) pasta salad w/italian dressing
8) cheese you get with nachos at the movies
9) sprinkled on top of a cesar salad (HUH)

Luckily there is one Indian restaurant, two Ethiopian, and one movie theatre that offers pickles for sale (I tinkled a bit when I discovered this rare find). Otherwise, it's Applebees, Olive Garden, TGI Fridays, Chevy's, Chili's and Ground Round baby, all the way.